Que sera, sera

So far, the difference for me in this second pregnancy is how much less I worry. (The rest is pretty much the same: vague nausea, cold sore, and hair that no longer gets greasy, ever).

I have thought about it, and I have decided that if something were to go wrong it wouldn't be such a huge deal the second time around, provided it happens early of course. First of all, I've done it before and I know I am capable of producing a healthy baby. Secondly, I now know it's really easy for us to conceive in case we have to do it over again. Sure, I would be mildly devastated if this didn't go the way I planned, but I would likely be able to accept that something was not right anyway and it's all for the best. And then try again.

So I find myself telling people without hesitating this time, even though I am only perhaps six weeks along. I've told my sisters, my bestie, some mums from my mothers' group, and even a new friend that I made at Swedish play group on Friday and happened to run into this afternoon. 

It's all good. Que sera, sera.

Job well done

I decided (after my sister jokingly suggested it) to make breakfast in bed for Dwayne and present my positive pregnancy test on the breakfast tray. So I prepared scrambled eggs on toast, coffee, cereal and juice and placed the test stick in a zip lock bag on the tray. I woke poor dwayne up at 7am after having held out for two hours after taking the test, and excitedly served him my special breakfast spread. 

He didn't get it at all at first. He munched his toast and slurped his coffe (which he then put down practically ON the stick), and even asked "Breakfast in bed, have I done something?". (Yes dear, you certainly have...)

Finally he spotted the test and the coin dropped. And instantly he started worrying about something goig wrong in those pesky first 12 weeks and about the two glasses of wine I'd had the night before. Bless him. 

Photo taken pre coin drop.

Project underway

So, apparently it wasn't that hard after all.

Negative results and stamped glimmer

So, it turns out making a second baby is not as easy as making a first. I think.

Basically, I stopped taking my contraception pills at the beginning of July, thought I may actually be pregnant mid August, got my period just as I had decided to do a home pregnancy test and realised I wasn't, and here we are at the end of September and I don't seem to be finishing a second ovulation cycle at all. Going on 45 days now, and nothing. That means two things: 1) With long cycles like this (this is not even within normal parameters) I will have very few opportunities to conceive in a year. 2) If I do ovulate late in such a long cycle, the lining of my uterus will likely not be any good at growing an embryo.

Too much information, I know, but there you have my current situation. Not likely to conceive in the foreseeable future.

To make matters worse, my body is mocking me by making me feel randomly nauseous nearly every day. I did a pregnancy test last week (21 September) which was negative, and even though I kind of knew I wasn't pregnant it was incredibly disappointing.

Two of the mothers I got to know when Daisy was new are already pregnant again, and I feel unreasonably jealous. Come on, I already have a baby so it's not like I'm desperately trying for my first one and not knowing if it'll happen - I know the system works because I've done it before. Still, it's really stressing me out for some reason. Firstly, I really really really want a new little baby. I know, it's weird, but I just do. Maybe it's hormones. Secondly, it would be so super cool to be a few months pregnant already when my parents come to visit for Christmas. I would keep it a secret and surprise them with a bump. Awesome.

Anyway. I have been feeling if possible more nauseous on a daily basis since that negative test last week. I am trying to remember what it felt like last time, but I can't. Was I sick all day, or on and off? Was I sick every day, or did it come and go? Was it a sickness originating from the head like when you're dizzy or too drunk, or one that comes from the stomach? Don't know, don't remember.

I wasn't going to put myself through another disappointing home pregnancy test, but then I got yet another sign... Last time the final straw that made me decide to do a test was that I got a cold sore under my chin. Long story, but in the end I put it down to my immune system being weakened due to the pregnancy. Well, yesterday I got a cold sore under my chin... not a huge one like last time, but still.

So, I'm taking another test. Tomorrow morning or maybe the day after. I am pretty sure, almost completely sure in fact, that I'm not pregnant. But hey, so I was the first time! So there is a little glimmer of hope there, and I really dread having it cruelly stamped out by a negative result.

Fingers crossed.